Category Archives: Abuse

One reason people love narcissists who lie, abuse, don’t love them back or treat them well!

One reason people love narcissists who lie, abuse, don’t love them back or treat them well! is a personal flaw. Deeo down people who love those capable of loving them back believe the very best in others. They can not accept that there is an individual who exists who is actually that hollow, that empty and that uncaring. They believe the words instead of the actions. Often from a deep seated desire and want to be consistent, loving and have the same trust, self respect and loyalty that they provide others. Especially their NPD (narcissistic), borderline or abusive spouse.

The fear KARMA in a sense, that if they don’t love others unconditionally that they may not get this type of love back which is, to them, the only love. Loving with no boundaries, always being there for your partner. Unfortunately the victim of the NPD and abusive behavior, lies, manipulation, stealing, etc is often already living in personal hell… as they are participating in a relationship with someone incapable or not willing to love them back.

They may feel they are not loved “anymore” which in a sense is true. Once the individual who is treating you in this horrible and abusive fashion hooked you, they became completely disinterested.

Sad but true. Thoughts?

What do you do if you have a selfish / uncaring / lying spouse or friend?

How can you change your selfish spouse (wife or husband), friend, or family member. Are you doing all the housework? Does your partner resist helping out?

With your husband or boyfriend, wife or girlfriend…

Do they lie to you about when they will be home or when they will call and you sit by the phone?

Do they disrespect you by not completing promised chores or errands?

Do they selfishly leave stuff all around the house?

Do you end up doing most of the work, and housework?

In society today that is just acceptable for people to be pathological liar’s. It’s socially unacceptable to recognize when somebody is feeding you a line.

People who just fill you with excuses and continue making lies over and over and over again to your self into themselves aren’t doing anything but hurting themselves and perpetuating terrible behavior that is going to make everybody resent and detest them, even if they never say a word about it.

It shows little care or appreciation in friends or relationships when the partner is so selfish they refuse to have the self-discipline to follow through with their promises and take action. If you say you’re going to do something do it, if you say that you’re going to call someone back, keep your word. If you have obligations to someone and they have to keep reminding you, the more they remind you the worse the situation becomes.

For example if your husband keeps telling you that he’s going to clean up a mess in the kitchen, and the time goes by when it was supposed to be done and it’s still not done, it can start to frustrate the wife. Every time the wife has to reminder husband to clean up the mess in the kitchen that he promised to do, it’s removing credits from his love bank and building resentment.

When two people decide to do and activity together one person ends up doing all of the work, this is viewed as a violation of the agreement that was made in agreeing to do an activity together. This is also selfish behavior that causes resentment to ruin relationships.

Pretending to listen is another huge issue, The person you were talking to you can tell that you’re not actually listening to the things that they are saying and it quickly makes them feel frustrated and try harder to get through to you. If you continue to ignore them and dismiss them, they may not say anything but you’re damaging your relationship with this person.

This kind of behavior can quickly escalate to destroy relationships

The problem here when you lie about your behavior is that you were telling the person who you’re a lying to you that you don’t care about them, they aren’t important to you, and their feelings are a irrelevant.

Often this is dealt with by making excuses, but excuses don’t do anything but relieve the guilty party of any responsibility. Setting them up to continue behavior where they are unreliable and uncaring in the future due to the fact that nothing comes of it. Social rules state that excuses are something that we except as a whole, or you can be viewed as uncaring.

The truth is is it there’s an entire generation of people using excuses and dodging responsibility based on selfishness and personality disorders.

Due to this fact there are more and more unhappy people. Being selfish and lazy does not make you happy, regardless of any rewards you get the moment, you were going to end up alienated and ultimately alone. If you aren’t alone and your family and friends still stick by around you they are going to view you as unreliable and selfish. Resentment will build and you will lose the enjoyment you previously had as you push those you care about away.

Unfortunately there is no way to make someone who is selfish unselfish. They simply need to care about others. Some people do, and some people simply do not. Some people care but they care about their own wants and desires in the moment much more than they care about the filling their agreements and promises.

You can try to explain your feelings to someone who is selfish but they likely will not care or get frustrated at you.

If they have a habit of not following through with the things that they say, you can expect they will promise either they won’t be selfish in the future but then continue the exact same behavior.

When this happens there’s nothing you can do and you’re understand while it is extremely emotional to have it thrown in your face and someone you care about does not care about you in the same way, there’s nothing you can do to make someone love you in the way you want to be loved.

Set up boundaries and do not accept this type of behavior any more if it is unacceptable to you.

If the behavior continues It’s likely just time to pack your bags and move on. Or just simply stop expecting anything but selfish and childish behavior from the person who does not care about filling their agreements or keeping their word.

Why we want our Abusers to Love Us

Love our abusers

It’s really confusing as to why someone would want their abuser to love them. When you look at the situation from an outside perspective you are thinking, what the hell? This person is obviously no good for So-and-So, why would she put up with that?

We need to keep in mind that abusers don’t just start out abusive! They start out by being often incredibly charming. They woo the victim and treat them like gold. Only when they feel is the victim really trapped do they start abusing them!

The start of an abusive relationship is usually the happiest time in the victims life where they are in love and finally feel safe and good. The abuser will feel in love with them too and it shows. It seems like the best and happiest relationship ever, that is until the abuser starts to lash out.

This plays a naughty trick on the victim. The victim immediately starts to think to themselves in circles!

CycleOfABuseLoveus

What have I done wrong that they have started to treat me this way?

Its confusing and disorienting. One minute you are in love with prince charming and the next minute you are wondering why he is being so distant/cold/avoiding. Next comes the verbal assaults, control, fits. All of these things happen a little at a time and has the victim wondering what they can do to change it.

The abuser knows this so they make sure to act sweet at the right times. This makes the victim feel like it is their fault.  This is not true at all. You can not control when he is going to abuse you, he only lets you think that you can to gain further control!

We are being blackmailed with our love!

We want to treat the person correctly but then they just turn around and make us feel like it is our fault they are treating us bad!

We feel unlovable and hurt.

We want to be loved and cherished again so we can feel safe but no matter what we do the abuser won’t let us feel that way until we are ready to leave.

Which is when they use it to drag us in to the loop again and again.

They treat us so well and we feel so much love and joy! It’s like we have gotten our relationship back. Finally! But we are apprehensive…

As soon as we feel safe again is when the cycle starts over and we start wondering why they don’t love us enough.

The absence of abuse is not love!

It is only part of the evil cycle that takes the lives of so many kind hearted souls. Start to learn about the cycle of abuse and realize that your abuser may really love you but you still need to let them go so you can start the process of loving yourself!

Why do people hurt me and lie to me?

Why would someone who shows remorse, and appears to feel sorry, continue to hurt you and lie to you again and again?

Why do people hurt me

When someone hurts you the feeling deep inside is gnawing. It it is if we must get revenge or the social currency must be restored to its normal position. We care deeply about what others think of us. When someone hurts us it’s hard not to feel like we have to force them to care about us more. If they cared, they would want to make it right! You are assuming that this someone is like you. This is an illogical and up hill battle.

Instead of wondering why people hurt us again and again, wouldn’t it make more sense to simply forge relationships with people make a caring effort naturally?

whydopeoplehurtme

We feel if this person doesn’t “prove that they love us” that they must not, or no longer do. In reality many people are in an incredibly sick and frazzled mental state. It seems only more and more common that people use constant distraction to cut themselves off from the world around them. Abusers have no idea they are abusers and they find themselves living in constant denial. People write checks they can’t cash and make promises they can’t keep. Abusers can tell themselves that their emotion gives them permission to treat others poorly or not do what they said they were going to do. They tell themselves all sorts of crazy things to protect their self confidence and make the world a much less painful place.

In the case of someone not doing what they said they were going to do, many procrastinators find themselves so lazy or depressed that it is near impossible to will themselves to move. They could think of doing these things for you!  They really like the idea of it, and want to want to do it, but find themselves incapable of doing anything but living in a cycle of procrastination.

They may think about doing what they promised to do, so much, that they already receive the satisfaction as if they had already done it for you in their heads! Talk about imaginative!

When they ultimately fail, as they have chosen comfort over integrity, they are presented with a problem. If this person cares about you, they will have a reaction of guilt which will also bring shame and anxiety. This is something that can put your relationship with them at a risk.

People may hurt you because they are procrastinating
What happens commonly, is this person will say to themselves, “I promise I will do it tomorrow” or “I’ll do better next time.” Then they quickly find a way to distract themselves and turn off their mind so they can escape the guilt that they are experiencing from not doing what they promised! This way they can re-suspend themselves in an alternate reality. This alternate reality could be drinking, thinking, friends, work or television.

There are many distractions available but more than likely the feelings of guilt, shame and anxiety will come out.

The feelings of anxiety, guilt and shame will also bubble out when you approach them about whatever it is they are avoiding, since they had been trying to hard to hide these feelings from themselves. They are fully convinced that they are going to make it up to you later. It is very easy for them to flip the tables and get angry at you, especially when you bother them consecutive times about how they haven’t kept their word!

How dare you point this out to them and reintroduce volatile emotions that they were trying so hard to hide! They then start to resent you for making them feel anxious, scared, shamed and guilted. They hate themselves and consequently hate you for “making” them hate themselves.

Seems your plan of getting some sympathy really backfired! As your entire intention of this was for you to get validation of your importance to them. You want to be liked, and valued. Now this person is doing what feels to be the opposite of liking you by actively resenting or hating you!

There is no question that the kind of person who would hurt you in this way would be an incredibly selfish person, and primarily be concerned with themselves. Even if they care a great deal about you in their inner world it is ultimately themselves they choose. Actions are the measure, actions are how you see true priorities.

Click the picture of the book for more information on escaping control and abuse.

If someone lies to you again and again it makes you feel terrible about yourself. The real reason that they hurt you and lie to you is because you allow them to. Read here about how to avoid this terrible trap of letting yourself get abused again and again, and set proper boundaries!

In the end people hurt you because they are underdeveloped, have bad mental programming, come from parents who hurt each other or any number of factors. We must accept that quite often these people will not get help until they are forced to. By allowing these negative forces to stay in your life you are enabling them to have valuable relationships without putting in the work of treating others how they deserve.

Live free, and be happy!

Do not allow these negative influences to run your life!