Why would someone who shows remorse, and appears to feel sorry, continue to hurt you and lie to you again and again?
When someone hurts you the feeling deep inside is gnawing. It it is if we must get revenge or the social currency must be restored to its normal position. We care deeply about what others think of us. When someone hurts us it’s hard not to feel like we have to force them to care about us more. If they cared, they would want to make it right! You are assuming that this someone is like you. This is an illogical and up hill battle.
Instead of wondering why people hurt us again and again, wouldn’t it make more sense to simply forge relationships with people make a caring effort naturally?
We feel if this person doesn’t “prove that they love us” that they must not, or no longer do. In reality many people are in an incredibly sick and frazzled mental state. It seems only more and more common that people use constant distraction to cut themselves off from the world around them. Abusers have no idea they are abusers and they find themselves living in constant denial. People write checks they can’t cash and make promises they can’t keep. Abusers can tell themselves that their emotion gives them permission to treat others poorly or not do what they said they were going to do. They tell themselves all sorts of crazy things to protect their self confidence and make the world a much less painful place.
In the case of someone not doing what they said they were going to do, many procrastinators find themselves so lazy or depressed that it is near impossible to will themselves to move. They could think of doing these things for you! They really like the idea of it, and want to want to do it, but find themselves incapable of doing anything but living in a cycle of procrastination.
They may think about doing what they promised to do, so much, that they already receive the satisfaction as if they had already done it for you in their heads! Talk about imaginative!
When they ultimately fail, as they have chosen comfort over integrity, they are presented with a problem. If this person cares about you, they will have a reaction of guilt which will also bring shame and anxiety. This is something that can put your relationship with them at a risk.
What happens commonly, is this person will say to themselves, “I promise I will do it tomorrow” or “I’ll do better next time.” Then they quickly find a way to distract themselves and turn off their mind so they can escape the guilt that they are experiencing from not doing what they promised! This way they can re-suspend themselves in an alternate reality. This alternate reality could be drinking, thinking, friends, work or television.
There are many distractions available but more than likely the feelings of guilt, shame and anxiety will come out.
The feelings of anxiety, guilt and shame will also bubble out when you approach them about whatever it is they are avoiding, since they had been trying to hard to hide these feelings from themselves. They are fully convinced that they are going to make it up to you later. It is very easy for them to flip the tables and get angry at you, especially when you bother them consecutive times about how they haven’t kept their word!
How dare you point this out to them and reintroduce volatile emotions that they were trying so hard to hide! They then start to resent you for making them feel anxious, scared, shamed and guilted. They hate themselves and consequently hate you for “making” them hate themselves.
Seems your plan of getting some sympathy really backfired! As your entire intention of this was for you to get validation of your importance to them. You want to be liked, and valued. Now this person is doing what feels to be the opposite of liking you by actively resenting or hating you!
There is no question that the kind of person who would hurt you in this way would be an incredibly selfish person, and primarily be concerned with themselves. Even if they care a great deal about you in their inner world it is ultimately themselves they choose. Actions are the measure, actions are how you see true priorities.
Click the picture of the book for more information on escaping control and abuse.
If someone lies to you again and again it makes you feel terrible about yourself. The real reason that they hurt you and lie to you is because you allow them to. Read here about how to avoid this terrible trap of letting yourself get abused again and again, and set proper boundaries!
In the end people hurt you because they are underdeveloped, have bad mental programming, come from parents who hurt each other or any number of factors. We must accept that quite often these people will not get help until they are forced to. By allowing these negative forces to stay in your life you are enabling them to have valuable relationships without putting in the work of treating others how they deserve.
Live free, and be happy!
Do not allow these negative influences to run your life!