Category Archives: Common Problems

One reason people love narcissists who lie, abuse, don’t love them back or treat them well!

One reason people love narcissists who lie, abuse, don’t love them back or treat them well! is a personal flaw. Deeo down people who love those capable of loving them back believe the very best in others. They can not accept that there is an individual who exists who is actually that hollow, that empty and that uncaring. They believe the words instead of the actions. Often from a deep seated desire and want to be consistent, loving and have the same trust, self respect and loyalty that they provide others. Especially their NPD (narcissistic), borderline or abusive spouse.

The fear KARMA in a sense, that if they don’t love others unconditionally that they may not get this type of love back which is, to them, the only love. Loving with no boundaries, always being there for your partner. Unfortunately the victim of the NPD and abusive behavior, lies, manipulation, stealing, etc is often already living in personal hell… as they are participating in a relationship with someone incapable or not willing to love them back.

They may feel they are not loved “anymore” which in a sense is true. Once the individual who is treating you in this horrible and abusive fashion hooked you, they became completely disinterested.

Sad but true. Thoughts?

The Enneagram Prison Project

http://www.enneagramprisonproject.org

Meet the EPP Ambassadors | Enneagram Prison Project from Susan Olesek on Vimeo.

Helping inmates by teaching them how to heal their own hearts through the wisdom of the enneagram and learning about their own personalities and desires. This is a fantastic idea and I am really glad someone is reaching out to our prisoners to teach them about themselves and what really motivates them. I believe this is one of the only ways to truly heal.

The enneagram has helped me personally in endless ways when it comes to self understanding and being able to understand others. I can only imagine how different things would be if the enneagram was used for widespread prisoner reform!

Another brilliant idea is this link I found, Enneagram for the DSM.

Best Jealousy Advice to Overcome Jealous Feelings

“Is it because you have a history of being cheated on? There’s an expression: “What I fear, I create.” Are you testing your partner until he just finally fails? If you fear that somebody is going to cheat on you, you may just push him to a point where someone else may grab his attention. Imagine if someone else treated your partner with dignity and respect, didn’t challenge his integrity every minute of every hour, but was in fact accepting and peaceful and harmonious. These are things that really matter. You need to worry about what you’re creating. Ask yourself: Are you responsible for the previous relationships in which you were betrayed? Did you run those previous partners off with your jealous behavior?”

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/343

Easier said than done, but stop comparing yourself to others
Some (not all) jealousy is driven by low self-esteem. “How could they love me? I don’t understand how someone like them could be attracted to someone like me!” We none of us are supposed to understand exactly why someone loves us. Does the Mona Lisa painting know why it is so valuable? Of course, you may be able to appreciate attractive qualities in yourself, but consider this:

There are better looking, richer, funnier, smarter, younger people around than just about all of us, but these are qualities of a ‘product’. If he or she loves you, it will be because of an extra, indefinable quality you have that they couldn’t even explain – some deep part of your humanity they connected to which transcends looks, youth, wealth, and so forth. Some of the most loved people in history have been well down the list when it comes to looks or wealth. Stop trying to ‘work out’ why they can possibly like you.

– See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcoming-jealousy-in-relationships/#sthash.lqKi2M1Q.dpuf

Assess yourself.

If you’re in a secure and solid relationship, and you’re still feeling jealous, look at yourself and explore your own experiences.

“Research on the subject of jealousy in a romantic relationship indicates that a person’s basic attachment style underlies their tendencies towards jealous reactions,” Morelli said.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/03/04/8-healthy-ways-to-deal-with-jealousy/

What do you do if you have a selfish / uncaring / lying spouse or friend?

How can you change your selfish spouse (wife or husband), friend, or family member. Are you doing all the housework? Does your partner resist helping out?

With your husband or boyfriend, wife or girlfriend…

Do they lie to you about when they will be home or when they will call and you sit by the phone?

Do they disrespect you by not completing promised chores or errands?

Do they selfishly leave stuff all around the house?

Do you end up doing most of the work, and housework?

In society today that is just acceptable for people to be pathological liar’s. It’s socially unacceptable to recognize when somebody is feeding you a line.

People who just fill you with excuses and continue making lies over and over and over again to your self into themselves aren’t doing anything but hurting themselves and perpetuating terrible behavior that is going to make everybody resent and detest them, even if they never say a word about it.

It shows little care or appreciation in friends or relationships when the partner is so selfish they refuse to have the self-discipline to follow through with their promises and take action. If you say you’re going to do something do it, if you say that you’re going to call someone back, keep your word. If you have obligations to someone and they have to keep reminding you, the more they remind you the worse the situation becomes.

For example if your husband keeps telling you that he’s going to clean up a mess in the kitchen, and the time goes by when it was supposed to be done and it’s still not done, it can start to frustrate the wife. Every time the wife has to reminder husband to clean up the mess in the kitchen that he promised to do, it’s removing credits from his love bank and building resentment.

When two people decide to do and activity together one person ends up doing all of the work, this is viewed as a violation of the agreement that was made in agreeing to do an activity together. This is also selfish behavior that causes resentment to ruin relationships.

Pretending to listen is another huge issue, The person you were talking to you can tell that you’re not actually listening to the things that they are saying and it quickly makes them feel frustrated and try harder to get through to you. If you continue to ignore them and dismiss them, they may not say anything but you’re damaging your relationship with this person.

This kind of behavior can quickly escalate to destroy relationships

The problem here when you lie about your behavior is that you were telling the person who you’re a lying to you that you don’t care about them, they aren’t important to you, and their feelings are a irrelevant.

Often this is dealt with by making excuses, but excuses don’t do anything but relieve the guilty party of any responsibility. Setting them up to continue behavior where they are unreliable and uncaring in the future due to the fact that nothing comes of it. Social rules state that excuses are something that we except as a whole, or you can be viewed as uncaring.

The truth is is it there’s an entire generation of people using excuses and dodging responsibility based on selfishness and personality disorders.

Due to this fact there are more and more unhappy people. Being selfish and lazy does not make you happy, regardless of any rewards you get the moment, you were going to end up alienated and ultimately alone. If you aren’t alone and your family and friends still stick by around you they are going to view you as unreliable and selfish. Resentment will build and you will lose the enjoyment you previously had as you push those you care about away.

Unfortunately there is no way to make someone who is selfish unselfish. They simply need to care about others. Some people do, and some people simply do not. Some people care but they care about their own wants and desires in the moment much more than they care about the filling their agreements and promises.

You can try to explain your feelings to someone who is selfish but they likely will not care or get frustrated at you.

If they have a habit of not following through with the things that they say, you can expect they will promise either they won’t be selfish in the future but then continue the exact same behavior.

When this happens there’s nothing you can do and you’re understand while it is extremely emotional to have it thrown in your face and someone you care about does not care about you in the same way, there’s nothing you can do to make someone love you in the way you want to be loved.

Set up boundaries and do not accept this type of behavior any more if it is unacceptable to you.

If the behavior continues It’s likely just time to pack your bags and move on. Or just simply stop expecting anything but selfish and childish behavior from the person who does not care about filling their agreements or keeping their word.

How To Feel Better When I’m Upset

Dealing With Ourselves When We’re Upset

Feeling better when im angry
I’m so angry, but I’ll feel better

 

Sometimes, we may tend to get upset, rude, angry or unreasonable for a dense variety of reasons. In some cases, or all, you may have taught yourself that this behavior is ok. Sometimes you may reflect on this behavior as a negative and criticize each word said and identify your manner. How you chose to respond can make a world of difference between a person who feels satisfied with the way you have handled yourself during situations where negative feelings occur and a person who never wants to see or “deal” with you again.

When we get upset and angry our levels of consciousness decrease rapidly, and in my personal experience “dumb down” our overall mental capacity from hero to zero. A great example of this mental decline would be the default story of a superhero. When the superhero integrates into society they lose their super powers by believing the power is not the way society views things as “normal”. Our superhero essentially “dumbs down” and loses their super power and tends to live a normal life comfortably cuddled into society. The super hero integrated still works hard for their society beliefs, does what’s best for their communities, and typically doesn’t have many friends. Let’s be honest, you don’t see many comics about the super hero’s integrated alter ego.

Being angry, upset, rude, unreasonable, all fall into deep patterns of verbal abuse that the abuser may or may not be able to identify, and eventually the abuser becomes a victim in their own mind and completely flips the situation on the victim. This abusive tactic typically makes the abused believe they are the one who is in the wrong. In most cases of verbal abuse situations, the abuser may get completely comfortable with their verbal patters that the abuser needs a new “high”, and begins abusing physically. The cycle of abuse is a very powerful evil that will continue happening until the abuser is confronted with their behavior by an equal force, basically being told that they’re being abusive. The abuser must be placed in the spotlight for them to realize this type of behavior is not appropriate and destructive to themselves, and their peers.

Here are some tips for dealing with situations when you’re angry or upset and handling these situations to everyone’s satisfaction. Thinking a little differently will assist with your positive mental well-being along with everyone you’re associated with:


  1. Remain calm: When a person becomes upset about a situation, or even just wants to talk about a problem, there is nothing to be gained by responding in an upset manner. If you become upset and angry the situation will probably escalate out of control and usually become counterproductive to your overall conversation goal. It is imperative that you maintain control of yourself, your emotions and remain calm. Even if the events of the conversation make you feel uncomfortable, or even upset. Your first step towards handling these situations is to remain calm and critically think about the negative events taking place during the interaction. How can you change this negative into a positive while keeping control of the interaction? Implement the positive logic of your analyzed data to the situation.
  2. Listen like a fox: When a situation arises when the other person is angry or upset, the first thing the upset person wants to do is vent and verbalize their complaints and feelings. For this person they’ll definitely need at least one thing, a person to actually listens to what they’re saying. No matter how much you’re against it. You are that person who will be taking the situation by the leash and listening with care and respect. Listening can typically defuse a situation, as long as the person feels acknowledged to their issues. When the person is finished talking, go ahead summarize what you’ve heard and ask any questions to further clarify their issues. Your body language is extremely important in these situations. Always keep solid eye contact. Stand or sit up straight, never slouch, give undivided attention and respect. At all times keep your arms uncrossed, and show how closely you’re paying attention to their problem.
  3. Don’t take it personally: Always keep in mind that the person may or may not be upset directly with you. They may be upset with your behavior or words that led you to be in the negative situation. The person is simply letting you know the way they feel about you and the way you’ve handled yourself. Your personal feelings are beside the point when these feelings form and you have no one to blame but yourself when it comes to these negative impact situations. You are in full control of the way you think and feel, internally and externally. You have no right to take things personally. If you feel this is a right you’ll decline to lower levels of consciousness immediately.
  4. Actively empathize: After the negative interaction, the person you’ve been talking with will want to know if you’ve been listening and also want to verify you fully understand the feelings that have been extroverted to you during the conversation. Express empathy for their discomfort and ensure they’re fully aware you understand the full nature of the situation at hand. Respect and understanding go a long way towards recovering from a stressful or negative situation.
  5. Be Apologetic: It is not relevant if the person’s complaints and judgments are a factor to you. If you want the person to remain an acquaintance or friend a simple heartfelt apology is all you’ll need to accomplish, from here staying on track for friendship recovery should be easier for all parties involved. Ensure the person that you have been able to analyze the situation with logic and understanding: “I’m sorry I’ve upset you, I can see how my behavior could impact this situation in a negative manner.”
  6. Find a solution: Once you and the people involved understand that you have identified your issues, offer some solutions. Ask what they think the outcome of the situation should be, even implement your own solutions into the resolution. You should have thought of a few solutions by now with your forward thinking. Extrovert this thinking into the solution because in most negative situations the person involved is simply looking for the resolution to the issue. Providing different solutions will verify your listening and understanding, and may also result in satisfaction and resolution to the issue from everyone involved.

Self-Talk and Negative Impacts

“Oh, why am I such a loser who can never get anything done? I can’t do anything at all… I’ve wasted my life just sitting here doing nothing, look at me, I will never amount to anything… I look horrible, and fat. Who would want this fat person, oh no, what am I…..”

Self-talk isn’t just something we do from time to time, the self-talk actually has a way of creating realities without you even knowing it. Once this reality is created it’s up to you to control the reality. This alternate reality can go two ways, positive, or negative. Telling yourself that you cannot accomplish a goal will really help you NOT accomplish a goal. You may tell yourself that you’re a loser with nothing to offer in life. Maybe tell yourself that you’re too fat and that you’ll never lose weight or look good to other people. Tell yourself that you’ll never do anything with your talents in life.

If you really keep telling yourself these things you will create an alternate reality of lies that you have told yourself over and over again. You and others will start to project your image as the loser, the fat person, and the talentless. Even though you’re absolutely wrong about the image you’ve created of yourself, you’ll believe these vicious lies and implement the thoughts in your head to stay.

When you think this way you will not have many opportunities in life to showcase your actual skill set and potential in day to day functions.

Crash and Burn

Your negative self-talk can be a kamikaze of negative impacts that will make you crash and burn at any moment. You will dwell on your negative feelings until you launch them into attack mode, the attack is towards a friend, family member, spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend. Basically anyone who you feel has “wrong done” or “suggested” that you may actually be good at something. You will target the comments and feelings you’ve lied to yourself about and attack the person with your convinced techniques. You actually believe you’re in full tune with your feelings, but in reality this is far from the truth, and will just end up causing hurt and pain to yourself and your peers.

The more and more you focus on your negative feelings and thoughts, the harder it will be to annihilate the issue because you won’t even think there’s a problem to begin with.

Talk Yourself Out Of Your Lies

If we could only switch the negative talk on and off like a light bulb we would, but it doesn’t work that way. It takes a plan of action and willpower to want to make change in yourself for the better. Here are a few cheat codes on thinking a little differently:

  • Remain Calm: You can’t hide from your negative thoughts forever, but you can identify and assess your situations. When you notice you start talking negatively to yourself and others, maybe try acting like you’re speaking with your boss on a job and remain calm. You wouldn’t talk to your boss negatively or with disrespect, would you?
  • Call Yourself Out: Call yourself out on your told lies. Ask yourself, “Is what I said really true?” or “There must be an alternative way to think about this situation?” You should always point out the obvious positives in each situation. If you missed out on passing your lesson, there are always lessons you’ve learned to implement for the future way of thinking and handling situations.

Positive Forward Thinking

We all need to admit that we are never completely out of harm’s way when it comes to negative self-talk. We will have great days, and we will always have those days where we want to harm ourselves with verbal abuse and pull out the old lie cards. When this happens remember to think positive, and look forward, not looking back on past statements or thoughts that you had towards yourself. Think to yourself “I am the most confident person in the world. I have the skills I need to accomplish anything I put my mind to. I am going to trust myself because I rule and would never lie to myself”. Maybe even write these things on a piece of paper and hang it somewhere viewable, and always remember that you are worth it, and you CAN do it!!

LOVE YOURSELF TODAY

  1. You are amazing

  2. You are awesome

  3. Your value comes from within

  4. You deserve to be happy

  5. You have a purpose

  6. You know what that purpose is

  7. When you act as your authentic self you will BE HAPPY!

  8. Every second of this life counts

  9. Stop right now and be thankful for your life; FEEL IT

  10. Now show yourself that you care and give yourself a hug

If there is anyone else in the world who deserves it, why wouldn’t you?

>>> HUG <<<

Are you self sabotaging yourself? Stop making excuses.

It’s really easy to defer our problems onto others. Sometimes it really does seem like our problems are someone else’s fault. Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me.

I am writing this post because of a friend of mine. He is extremely bright, intellectual and sensitive. He is a joy to talk to until you start speaking about accomplishments or aspirations. He feels like he is constantly getting the short end of the stick. He recently ended up in a situation where his father had said he was paying his insurance but refused to send him any sort of confirmations or paperwork. His father is not a dependable man and had fallen short in the past, making promises that he didn’t keep and failing to be dependable. He also suspected that his parents try and sabotage him to keep him on their level. Yet, with this in mind he still trusted his father with something as important as his insurance.

Self sabotage is ruining my life

Invariably my friend ended up in legal trouble. He was pulled over by the cops and could not provide proof of insurance. He was uninsured for three months! When I asked him if he felt he had any responsibility in this, he deferred all responsibility to his fathers carelessness claiming that he didn’t know he did not have insurance!

I asked him if he had proof of insurance, he said no.

Clearly my friend had decided to avoid the situation with his insurance. He knew that it may be an issue, but because my friend was more concerned with who would get blamed when things went wrong instead of the actual threat of legal trouble, he decided to live in ignorance. When the legal trouble and large bills that he could clearly not afford loomed over his head he simply felt bad for himself.

This kind of avoidant behavior carried over into other areas of his life as well. He lost his job, and was feeling pretty down about it. I had spent all sorts of time with him letting him know how he can start his own business. I gave him ideas and resources and showed him how everything he was doing for his boss he could do to make himself money, easily. Every time I asked him about his progress he made excuses. He blamed legal reasons, his ex boss, and anything else he could think of. He told me he couldn’t do what he planned to do so he had given up. I asked him if he had considered doing something else instead. He was at a loss for words.

This is classic self sabotage!

Update: My friend sent me a message letting me know, his life had totally been changed. He said something along the lines of, I have a better paying job now, and I’m doing better than ever. I am happy and I have a future I never thought possible because of you telling me things I didn’t want to hear. Thank you, things are only getting better!

When we make excuses for ourselves and feel like victims it is impossible to take control and live an empowered life. If we refuse to take a good hard look at ourselves because we are too busy pushing our problems into others, we will find that is impossible to cultivate success. Success will be born out of self confidence and self responsibility. If we deny our problems we have no power in repairing them!

Embrace control over your future. You are the only one who decides your destiny.

Take a critical look at your life, could you too be self sabotaging?

Why we want our Abusers to Love Us

Love our abusers

It’s really confusing as to why someone would want their abuser to love them. When you look at the situation from an outside perspective you are thinking, what the hell? This person is obviously no good for So-and-So, why would she put up with that?

We need to keep in mind that abusers don’t just start out abusive! They start out by being often incredibly charming. They woo the victim and treat them like gold. Only when they feel is the victim really trapped do they start abusing them!

The start of an abusive relationship is usually the happiest time in the victims life where they are in love and finally feel safe and good. The abuser will feel in love with them too and it shows. It seems like the best and happiest relationship ever, that is until the abuser starts to lash out.

This plays a naughty trick on the victim. The victim immediately starts to think to themselves in circles!

CycleOfABuseLoveus

What have I done wrong that they have started to treat me this way?

Its confusing and disorienting. One minute you are in love with prince charming and the next minute you are wondering why he is being so distant/cold/avoiding. Next comes the verbal assaults, control, fits. All of these things happen a little at a time and has the victim wondering what they can do to change it.

The abuser knows this so they make sure to act sweet at the right times. This makes the victim feel like it is their fault.  This is not true at all. You can not control when he is going to abuse you, he only lets you think that you can to gain further control!

We are being blackmailed with our love!

We want to treat the person correctly but then they just turn around and make us feel like it is our fault they are treating us bad!

We feel unlovable and hurt.

We want to be loved and cherished again so we can feel safe but no matter what we do the abuser won’t let us feel that way until we are ready to leave.

Which is when they use it to drag us in to the loop again and again.

They treat us so well and we feel so much love and joy! It’s like we have gotten our relationship back. Finally! But we are apprehensive…

As soon as we feel safe again is when the cycle starts over and we start wondering why they don’t love us enough.

The absence of abuse is not love!

It is only part of the evil cycle that takes the lives of so many kind hearted souls. Start to learn about the cycle of abuse and realize that your abuser may really love you but you still need to let them go so you can start the process of loving yourself!