Category Archives: Abuse

One reason people love narcissists who lie, abuse, don’t love them back or treat them well!

One reason people love narcissists who lie, abuse, don’t love them back or treat them well! is a personal flaw. Deeo down people who love those capable of loving them back believe the very best in others. They can not accept that there is an individual who exists who is actually that hollow, that empty and that uncaring. They believe the words instead of the actions. Often from a deep seated desire and want to be consistent, loving and have the same trust, self respect and loyalty that they provide others. Especially their NPD (narcissistic), borderline or abusive spouse.

The fear KARMA in a sense, that if they don’t love others unconditionally that they may not get this type of love back which is, to them, the only love. Loving with no boundaries, always being there for your partner. Unfortunately the victim of the NPD and abusive behavior, lies, manipulation, stealing, etc is often already living in personal hell… as they are participating in a relationship with someone incapable or not willing to love them back.

They may feel they are not loved “anymore” which in a sense is true. Once the individual who is treating you in this horrible and abusive fashion hooked you, they became completely disinterested.

Sad but true. Thoughts?

The Enneagram Prison Project

http://www.enneagramprisonproject.org

Meet the EPP Ambassadors | Enneagram Prison Project from Susan Olesek on Vimeo.

Helping inmates by teaching them how to heal their own hearts through the wisdom of the enneagram and learning about their own personalities and desires. This is a fantastic idea and I am really glad someone is reaching out to our prisoners to teach them about themselves and what really motivates them. I believe this is one of the only ways to truly heal.

The enneagram has helped me personally in endless ways when it comes to self understanding and being able to understand others. I can only imagine how different things would be if the enneagram was used for widespread prisoner reform!

Another brilliant idea is this link I found, Enneagram for the DSM.

What do you do if you have a selfish / uncaring / lying spouse or friend?

How can you change your selfish spouse (wife or husband), friend, or family member. Are you doing all the housework? Does your partner resist helping out?

With your husband or boyfriend, wife or girlfriend…

Do they lie to you about when they will be home or when they will call and you sit by the phone?

Do they disrespect you by not completing promised chores or errands?

Do they selfishly leave stuff all around the house?

Do you end up doing most of the work, and housework?

In society today that is just acceptable for people to be pathological liar’s. It’s socially unacceptable to recognize when somebody is feeding you a line.

People who just fill you with excuses and continue making lies over and over and over again to your self into themselves aren’t doing anything but hurting themselves and perpetuating terrible behavior that is going to make everybody resent and detest them, even if they never say a word about it.

It shows little care or appreciation in friends or relationships when the partner is so selfish they refuse to have the self-discipline to follow through with their promises and take action. If you say you’re going to do something do it, if you say that you’re going to call someone back, keep your word. If you have obligations to someone and they have to keep reminding you, the more they remind you the worse the situation becomes.

For example if your husband keeps telling you that he’s going to clean up a mess in the kitchen, and the time goes by when it was supposed to be done and it’s still not done, it can start to frustrate the wife. Every time the wife has to reminder husband to clean up the mess in the kitchen that he promised to do, it’s removing credits from his love bank and building resentment.

When two people decide to do and activity together one person ends up doing all of the work, this is viewed as a violation of the agreement that was made in agreeing to do an activity together. This is also selfish behavior that causes resentment to ruin relationships.

Pretending to listen is another huge issue, The person you were talking to you can tell that you’re not actually listening to the things that they are saying and it quickly makes them feel frustrated and try harder to get through to you. If you continue to ignore them and dismiss them, they may not say anything but you’re damaging your relationship with this person.

This kind of behavior can quickly escalate to destroy relationships

The problem here when you lie about your behavior is that you were telling the person who you’re a lying to you that you don’t care about them, they aren’t important to you, and their feelings are a irrelevant.

Often this is dealt with by making excuses, but excuses don’t do anything but relieve the guilty party of any responsibility. Setting them up to continue behavior where they are unreliable and uncaring in the future due to the fact that nothing comes of it. Social rules state that excuses are something that we except as a whole, or you can be viewed as uncaring.

The truth is is it there’s an entire generation of people using excuses and dodging responsibility based on selfishness and personality disorders.

Due to this fact there are more and more unhappy people. Being selfish and lazy does not make you happy, regardless of any rewards you get the moment, you were going to end up alienated and ultimately alone. If you aren’t alone and your family and friends still stick by around you they are going to view you as unreliable and selfish. Resentment will build and you will lose the enjoyment you previously had as you push those you care about away.

Unfortunately there is no way to make someone who is selfish unselfish. They simply need to care about others. Some people do, and some people simply do not. Some people care but they care about their own wants and desires in the moment much more than they care about the filling their agreements and promises.

You can try to explain your feelings to someone who is selfish but they likely will not care or get frustrated at you.

If they have a habit of not following through with the things that they say, you can expect they will promise either they won’t be selfish in the future but then continue the exact same behavior.

When this happens there’s nothing you can do and you’re understand while it is extremely emotional to have it thrown in your face and someone you care about does not care about you in the same way, there’s nothing you can do to make someone love you in the way you want to be loved.

Set up boundaries and do not accept this type of behavior any more if it is unacceptable to you.

If the behavior continues It’s likely just time to pack your bags and move on. Or just simply stop expecting anything but selfish and childish behavior from the person who does not care about filling their agreements or keeping their word.

How To Feel Better When I’m Upset

Dealing With Ourselves When We’re Upset

Feeling better when im angry
I’m so angry, but I’ll feel better

 

Sometimes, we may tend to get upset, rude, angry or unreasonable for a dense variety of reasons. In some cases, or all, you may have taught yourself that this behavior is ok. Sometimes you may reflect on this behavior as a negative and criticize each word said and identify your manner. How you chose to respond can make a world of difference between a person who feels satisfied with the way you have handled yourself during situations where negative feelings occur and a person who never wants to see or “deal” with you again.

When we get upset and angry our levels of consciousness decrease rapidly, and in my personal experience “dumb down” our overall mental capacity from hero to zero. A great example of this mental decline would be the default story of a superhero. When the superhero integrates into society they lose their super powers by believing the power is not the way society views things as “normal”. Our superhero essentially “dumbs down” and loses their super power and tends to live a normal life comfortably cuddled into society. The super hero integrated still works hard for their society beliefs, does what’s best for their communities, and typically doesn’t have many friends. Let’s be honest, you don’t see many comics about the super hero’s integrated alter ego.

Being angry, upset, rude, unreasonable, all fall into deep patterns of verbal abuse that the abuser may or may not be able to identify, and eventually the abuser becomes a victim in their own mind and completely flips the situation on the victim. This abusive tactic typically makes the abused believe they are the one who is in the wrong. In most cases of verbal abuse situations, the abuser may get completely comfortable with their verbal patters that the abuser needs a new “high”, and begins abusing physically. The cycle of abuse is a very powerful evil that will continue happening until the abuser is confronted with their behavior by an equal force, basically being told that they’re being abusive. The abuser must be placed in the spotlight for them to realize this type of behavior is not appropriate and destructive to themselves, and their peers.

Here are some tips for dealing with situations when you’re angry or upset and handling these situations to everyone’s satisfaction. Thinking a little differently will assist with your positive mental well-being along with everyone you’re associated with:


  1. Remain calm: When a person becomes upset about a situation, or even just wants to talk about a problem, there is nothing to be gained by responding in an upset manner. If you become upset and angry the situation will probably escalate out of control and usually become counterproductive to your overall conversation goal. It is imperative that you maintain control of yourself, your emotions and remain calm. Even if the events of the conversation make you feel uncomfortable, or even upset. Your first step towards handling these situations is to remain calm and critically think about the negative events taking place during the interaction. How can you change this negative into a positive while keeping control of the interaction? Implement the positive logic of your analyzed data to the situation.
  2. Listen like a fox: When a situation arises when the other person is angry or upset, the first thing the upset person wants to do is vent and verbalize their complaints and feelings. For this person they’ll definitely need at least one thing, a person to actually listens to what they’re saying. No matter how much you’re against it. You are that person who will be taking the situation by the leash and listening with care and respect. Listening can typically defuse a situation, as long as the person feels acknowledged to their issues. When the person is finished talking, go ahead summarize what you’ve heard and ask any questions to further clarify their issues. Your body language is extremely important in these situations. Always keep solid eye contact. Stand or sit up straight, never slouch, give undivided attention and respect. At all times keep your arms uncrossed, and show how closely you’re paying attention to their problem.
  3. Don’t take it personally: Always keep in mind that the person may or may not be upset directly with you. They may be upset with your behavior or words that led you to be in the negative situation. The person is simply letting you know the way they feel about you and the way you’ve handled yourself. Your personal feelings are beside the point when these feelings form and you have no one to blame but yourself when it comes to these negative impact situations. You are in full control of the way you think and feel, internally and externally. You have no right to take things personally. If you feel this is a right you’ll decline to lower levels of consciousness immediately.
  4. Actively empathize: After the negative interaction, the person you’ve been talking with will want to know if you’ve been listening and also want to verify you fully understand the feelings that have been extroverted to you during the conversation. Express empathy for their discomfort and ensure they’re fully aware you understand the full nature of the situation at hand. Respect and understanding go a long way towards recovering from a stressful or negative situation.
  5. Be Apologetic: It is not relevant if the person’s complaints and judgments are a factor to you. If you want the person to remain an acquaintance or friend a simple heartfelt apology is all you’ll need to accomplish, from here staying on track for friendship recovery should be easier for all parties involved. Ensure the person that you have been able to analyze the situation with logic and understanding: “I’m sorry I’ve upset you, I can see how my behavior could impact this situation in a negative manner.”
  6. Find a solution: Once you and the people involved understand that you have identified your issues, offer some solutions. Ask what they think the outcome of the situation should be, even implement your own solutions into the resolution. You should have thought of a few solutions by now with your forward thinking. Extrovert this thinking into the solution because in most negative situations the person involved is simply looking for the resolution to the issue. Providing different solutions will verify your listening and understanding, and may also result in satisfaction and resolution to the issue from everyone involved.

Why we want our Abusers to Love Us

Love our abusers

It’s really confusing as to why someone would want their abuser to love them. When you look at the situation from an outside perspective you are thinking, what the hell? This person is obviously no good for So-and-So, why would she put up with that?

We need to keep in mind that abusers don’t just start out abusive! They start out by being often incredibly charming. They woo the victim and treat them like gold. Only when they feel is the victim really trapped do they start abusing them!

The start of an abusive relationship is usually the happiest time in the victims life where they are in love and finally feel safe and good. The abuser will feel in love with them too and it shows. It seems like the best and happiest relationship ever, that is until the abuser starts to lash out.

This plays a naughty trick on the victim. The victim immediately starts to think to themselves in circles!

CycleOfABuseLoveus

What have I done wrong that they have started to treat me this way?

Its confusing and disorienting. One minute you are in love with prince charming and the next minute you are wondering why he is being so distant/cold/avoiding. Next comes the verbal assaults, control, fits. All of these things happen a little at a time and has the victim wondering what they can do to change it.

The abuser knows this so they make sure to act sweet at the right times. This makes the victim feel like it is their fault.  This is not true at all. You can not control when he is going to abuse you, he only lets you think that you can to gain further control!

We are being blackmailed with our love!

We want to treat the person correctly but then they just turn around and make us feel like it is our fault they are treating us bad!

We feel unlovable and hurt.

We want to be loved and cherished again so we can feel safe but no matter what we do the abuser won’t let us feel that way until we are ready to leave.

Which is when they use it to drag us in to the loop again and again.

They treat us so well and we feel so much love and joy! It’s like we have gotten our relationship back. Finally! But we are apprehensive…

As soon as we feel safe again is when the cycle starts over and we start wondering why they don’t love us enough.

The absence of abuse is not love!

It is only part of the evil cycle that takes the lives of so many kind hearted souls. Start to learn about the cycle of abuse and realize that your abuser may really love you but you still need to let them go so you can start the process of loving yourself!