How to Change Your Frequency to Change Your Reality
How can you change your selfish spouse (wife or husband), friend, or family member. Are you doing all the housework? Does your partner resist helping out?
With your husband or boyfriend, wife or girlfriend…
Do they lie to you about when they will be home or when they will call and you sit by the phone?
Do they disrespect you by not completing promised chores or errands?
Do they selfishly leave stuff all around the house?
Do you end up doing most of the work, and housework?
In society today that is just acceptable for people to be pathological liar’s. It’s socially unacceptable to recognize when somebody is feeding you a line.
People who just fill you with excuses and continue making lies over and over and over again to your self into themselves aren’t doing anything but hurting themselves and perpetuating terrible behavior that is going to make everybody resent and detest them, even if they never say a word about it.
It shows little care or appreciation in friends or relationships when the partner is so selfish they refuse to have the self-discipline to follow through with their promises and take action. If you say you’re going to do something do it, if you say that you’re going to call someone back, keep your word. If you have obligations to someone and they have to keep reminding you, the more they remind you the worse the situation becomes.
For example if your husband keeps telling you that he’s going to clean up a mess in the kitchen, and the time goes by when it was supposed to be done and it’s still not done, it can start to frustrate the wife. Every time the wife has to reminder husband to clean up the mess in the kitchen that he promised to do, it’s removing credits from his love bank and building resentment.
When two people decide to do and activity together one person ends up doing all of the work, this is viewed as a violation of the agreement that was made in agreeing to do an activity together. This is also selfish behavior that causes resentment to ruin relationships.
Pretending to listen is another huge issue, The person you were talking to you can tell that you’re not actually listening to the things that they are saying and it quickly makes them feel frustrated and try harder to get through to you. If you continue to ignore them and dismiss them, they may not say anything but you’re damaging your relationship with this person.
This kind of behavior can quickly escalate to destroy relationships
The problem here when you lie about your behavior is that you were telling the person who you’re a lying to you that you don’t care about them, they aren’t important to you, and their feelings are a irrelevant.
Often this is dealt with by making excuses, but excuses don’t do anything but relieve the guilty party of any responsibility. Setting them up to continue behavior where they are unreliable and uncaring in the future due to the fact that nothing comes of it. Social rules state that excuses are something that we except as a whole, or you can be viewed as uncaring.
The truth is is it there’s an entire generation of people using excuses and dodging responsibility based on selfishness and personality disorders.
Due to this fact there are more and more unhappy people. Being selfish and lazy does not make you happy, regardless of any rewards you get the moment, you were going to end up alienated and ultimately alone. If you aren’t alone and your family and friends still stick by around you they are going to view you as unreliable and selfish. Resentment will build and you will lose the enjoyment you previously had as you push those you care about away.
Unfortunately there is no way to make someone who is selfish unselfish. They simply need to care about others. Some people do, and some people simply do not. Some people care but they care about their own wants and desires in the moment much more than they care about the filling their agreements and promises.
You can try to explain your feelings to someone who is selfish but they likely will not care or get frustrated at you.
If they have a habit of not following through with the things that they say, you can expect they will promise either they won’t be selfish in the future but then continue the exact same behavior.
When this happens there’s nothing you can do and you’re understand while it is extremely emotional to have it thrown in your face and someone you care about does not care about you in the same way, there’s nothing you can do to make someone love you in the way you want to be loved.
Set up boundaries and do not accept this type of behavior any more if it is unacceptable to you.
If the behavior continues It’s likely just time to pack your bags and move on. Or just simply stop expecting anything but selfish and childish behavior from the person who does not care about filling their agreements or keeping their word.
It’s really easy to defer our problems onto others. Sometimes it really does seem like our problems are someone else’s fault. Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me.
I am writing this post because of a friend of mine. He is extremely bright, intellectual and sensitive. He is a joy to talk to until you start speaking about accomplishments or aspirations. He feels like he is constantly getting the short end of the stick. He recently ended up in a situation where his father had said he was paying his insurance but refused to send him any sort of confirmations or paperwork. His father is not a dependable man and had fallen short in the past, making promises that he didn’t keep and failing to be dependable. He also suspected that his parents try and sabotage him to keep him on their level. Yet, with this in mind he still trusted his father with something as important as his insurance.
Invariably my friend ended up in legal trouble. He was pulled over by the cops and could not provide proof of insurance. He was uninsured for three months! When I asked him if he felt he had any responsibility in this, he deferred all responsibility to his fathers carelessness claiming that he didn’t know he did not have insurance!
I asked him if he had proof of insurance, he said no.
Clearly my friend had decided to avoid the situation with his insurance. He knew that it may be an issue, but because my friend was more concerned with who would get blamed when things went wrong instead of the actual threat of legal trouble, he decided to live in ignorance. When the legal trouble and large bills that he could clearly not afford loomed over his head he simply felt bad for himself.
This kind of avoidant behavior carried over into other areas of his life as well. He lost his job, and was feeling pretty down about it. I had spent all sorts of time with him letting him know how he can start his own business. I gave him ideas and resources and showed him how everything he was doing for his boss he could do to make himself money, easily. Every time I asked him about his progress he made excuses. He blamed legal reasons, his ex boss, and anything else he could think of. He told me he couldn’t do what he planned to do so he had given up. I asked him if he had considered doing something else instead. He was at a loss for words.
This is classic self sabotage!
Update: My friend sent me a message letting me know, his life had totally been changed. He said something along the lines of, I have a better paying job now, and I’m doing better than ever. I am happy and I have a future I never thought possible because of you telling me things I didn’t want to hear. Thank you, things are only getting better!
When we make excuses for ourselves and feel like victims it is impossible to take control and live an empowered life. If we refuse to take a good hard look at ourselves because we are too busy pushing our problems into others, we will find that is impossible to cultivate success. Success will be born out of self confidence and self responsibility. If we deny our problems we have no power in repairing them!
Embrace control over your future. You are the only one who decides your destiny.
Take a critical look at your life, could you too be self sabotaging?
It is important to really focus on your self confidence. It seems it is normal in western culture to constantly beat yourself up and to call yourself so many mean names in your head. Just look inside your self and ask yourself if any of your self talk is negative. Get a marker and keep it on your person. For 30 minutes write a little line on your wrist each time you say a negative thought in your head. Chances are you are going to have trouble keeping up!
All this negativity is taken very seriously by your mind. Even if you are just being tongue in cheek, your brain can’t tell the difference. You are building very bad and influential neural paths that are going to dictate how you feel on a regular basis. This is a form of self disabling. By constantly worrying and insulting yourself internally you are basically begging yourself to be depressed and lacking in self confidence!
Sometimes we like to abuse ourselves because someone else did this to us earlier in life. This can all get started really quickly. Check out how something like this can snowball.
Little Sally is in the 3rd grade.
1. Little Sally asks the teacher a question. The teacher yells at Sally for asking a stupid question. Sally is sent to the hall. Sally doesn’t understand why her question was stupid, all she knows is that she gets yelled at which draws very bad attention to her. The other children start calling Sally stupid and making fun of her.
2. Later in class Sally wants to ask the teacher a question. Sally wants to put up her hand. Sally remembers the incident and instantly seems ashamed. Sally thinks to herself, “I’m so stupid, everyone laughs at me because I’m so dumb.” Sally feels bad about it, “If only I wasn’t so dumb people would like me. Christina doesn’t get laughed at when she asks questions. I am worthless compared to her.”
Now there are many scenarios here and people come up with many crazy solutions. People go through life thinking all sorts of incorrect things about themselves. That is why we must undo all this damage. People lash out on each other for all sorts of reasons! Sometimes they are just having a bad day. It is a shame that someones bad day can cause years of trauma for another person. It is true we are usually hardest on ourselves!
3. Years later Sally is in a meeting and she has a question to ask. Sally doesn’t ask it.
What affirmations do is help us understand the truth about ourselves. We are only as capable as what we believe we are. If you tell yourself that you are clumsy, you will not be surprised when you are running into walls. If you tell yourself that you have incredible balance, you will act as if you have it and ultimately develop it.
You can not do what you do not attempt to do!
You can not improve yourself unless you are willing to take the first steps. The important steps in all areas of life need to be supported by action. Without the confidence to take action we will sit idly by!
This cycle can be slowed down and eventually stopped by growing your self esteem and confidence by using affirmations to build and design your life.
Check out Five Affirmations for Self Confidence and get started TODAY!
It is never to late to give yourself the life you deserve.
Why would someone who shows remorse, and appears to feel sorry, continue to hurt you and lie to you again and again?
When someone hurts you the feeling deep inside is gnawing. It it is if we must get revenge or the social currency must be restored to its normal position. We care deeply about what others think of us. When someone hurts us it’s hard not to feel like we have to force them to care about us more. If they cared, they would want to make it right! You are assuming that this someone is like you. This is an illogical and up hill battle.
Instead of wondering why people hurt us again and again, wouldn’t it make more sense to simply forge relationships with people make a caring effort naturally?
We feel if this person doesn’t “prove that they love us” that they must not, or no longer do. In reality many people are in an incredibly sick and frazzled mental state. It seems only more and more common that people use constant distraction to cut themselves off from the world around them. Abusers have no idea they are abusers and they find themselves living in constant denial. People write checks they can’t cash and make promises they can’t keep. Abusers can tell themselves that their emotion gives them permission to treat others poorly or not do what they said they were going to do. They tell themselves all sorts of crazy things to protect their self confidence and make the world a much less painful place.
In the case of someone not doing what they said they were going to do, many procrastinators find themselves so lazy or depressed that it is near impossible to will themselves to move. They could think of doing these things for you! They really like the idea of it, and want to want to do it, but find themselves incapable of doing anything but living in a cycle of procrastination.
They may think about doing what they promised to do, so much, that they already receive the satisfaction as if they had already done it for you in their heads! Talk about imaginative!
When they ultimately fail, as they have chosen comfort over integrity, they are presented with a problem. If this person cares about you, they will have a reaction of guilt which will also bring shame and anxiety. This is something that can put your relationship with them at a risk.
What happens commonly, is this person will say to themselves, “I promise I will do it tomorrow” or “I’ll do better next time.” Then they quickly find a way to distract themselves and turn off their mind so they can escape the guilt that they are experiencing from not doing what they promised! This way they can re-suspend themselves in an alternate reality. This alternate reality could be drinking, thinking, friends, work or television.
There are many distractions available but more than likely the feelings of guilt, shame and anxiety will come out.
The feelings of anxiety, guilt and shame will also bubble out when you approach them about whatever it is they are avoiding, since they had been trying to hard to hide these feelings from themselves. They are fully convinced that they are going to make it up to you later. It is very easy for them to flip the tables and get angry at you, especially when you bother them consecutive times about how they haven’t kept their word!
How dare you point this out to them and reintroduce volatile emotions that they were trying so hard to hide! They then start to resent you for making them feel anxious, scared, shamed and guilted. They hate themselves and consequently hate you for “making” them hate themselves.
Seems your plan of getting some sympathy really backfired! As your entire intention of this was for you to get validation of your importance to them. You want to be liked, and valued. Now this person is doing what feels to be the opposite of liking you by actively resenting or hating you!
There is no question that the kind of person who would hurt you in this way would be an incredibly selfish person, and primarily be concerned with themselves. Even if they care a great deal about you in their inner world it is ultimately themselves they choose. Actions are the measure, actions are how you see true priorities.
If someone lies to you again and again it makes you feel terrible about yourself. The real reason that they hurt you and lie to you is because you allow them to. Read here about how to avoid this terrible trap of letting yourself get abused again and again, and set proper boundaries!
In the end people hurt you because they are underdeveloped, have bad mental programming, come from parents who hurt each other or any number of factors. We must accept that quite often these people will not get help until they are forced to. By allowing these negative forces to stay in your life you are enabling them to have valuable relationships without putting in the work of treating others how they deserve.
Live free, and be happy!
Do not allow these negative influences to run your life!